Aqualucid: Hickleby Mickleby

Aqualucid: Hickleby Mickleby

Hickleby Mickleby

Mish mashing the mind's thoughts together to result in this blog.
I've got a wisdom tooth that grows sideways impacted in all it's glory, wanting to cut into my cheeks, I look like a half-puffed M&M face and have for three days now. Luckily, a good dentist labeled an "Anxiety Free Dentist" has a vacancy for me tomorrow. I've got a notion that I'm in for a treat, and the reason why I suspect, is that the receptionist was uncommonly nice and gave great customer service. Did you know that at some dentists like my daughters they have dvd players and tv screens that kid's can watch while getting treatments? This is a bonus for technology.

Did you know that they use cloth in repairing hernias? I did not know that until today! My concern though, is that I question the long term integrity of cloth in the human body. It would seem that the body would almost biodegrade the cloth over time...or worse cause the cloth to absorb so much body goo that there would be a very noticeable grotesque stench from within!

So....I guess that makes life a tapestry then doesn't it? And speaking of tapestries.... I wish I could make my thoughts into thread. I want to weave thoughts into tangible and graspable existence. I want to see all the vintage scenes pop out into touchable objects. I picture lots of Arts and Crafts era-objects/ Industrial Revolution/ Edwardian/ Art Nouveau styles...they are always like backdrops to more modern matters. But I would like to mesh them and create a lifestyle of them so that I am not just some howdy-doody plains-dwelling girl living in a shoebox apartment and waiting on dreams. In my tapestry I could have my own creations and other people's creations always around, surrounding everyday life with art.

It would look and feel and smell like all of this: clean and intoxicating absinthy and orangy, worn cotton white hanes t-shirts, vanilla bean and coffee....lipstick of all sorts, salty from the seas, old from time and good craftsmanship, classic but divinely unique, a double hammock for my girl and I to lay and dream and talk...a canoe for my husband and I to row ourselves to some peace...and all relationships old and new, repaired and rejuvenated...fresh starts for things that never stood a chance in their time, that my crazy horse hair would lay flat for a day, for that sinking anxiety to just melt away and that I could be reminded of having a light heart....to see more concerts and write all the time, to make good on everything I say I will do or not do again.

Dreams on Replay

I had another tsunami dream again last night, writing about it now because I can't get to sleep. The sea has been a major theme in most of my reoccuring dreams. There has been too many to count and it has become par for the course. They used to come and present beautiful surfing and swimming experiences, then they turned to hidden basement 'wave' rooms like the waves that come out of the wall at a waterpark, but people would get trapped in the basement being smashed around the room by the waves. Then the big waves began making their dreamscapes in more realistic settings like the beach. :) ^^^~~~~

The last two tsunami dreams I think ended in what is known as a type of sleep paralysis, where you find yourself immobile in your dream as if cemented down and not being about to stir yourself awake either (knowing that your just dreaming, but can't escape). The beach seems pleasant, waves seem fine....then a few sneak waves approach, people get a little startled and giggle and head up the beach a little ways. Suddenly the sky feels still and heavy and you look out to sea only to notice it pulling back rapidly and exposing all the sand. By then the 'paralysis' sets in... it seems that you and whoever you are with and want to protect can not run up the beach to get to higher ground.

In these last two dreams I was carrying my daughter in my arms and in one I was trying to help my sister who was both pregnant in the dream and in reality. In these dreams you can feel how the sand gathers around your feet, anchoring you in. Then you turn to look over your shoulder to see the wall of water so high that you know you can never make it out approaching you with such a thunderous sound and force that is so awe-inspiring that you are utterly and hopelessly transfixed. The dreams usually morph at that point to some other nautical adventure, without having to explain if the tsunami swept us up or if somehow we could hold our ground in dreamland.

The other reoccurring dreams I have are all the cool cliche ones that you hear about. Lots of flying dreams, lots of airplane crashes, lots of dreams about staircases (everyting from spiral staircases to inverted Escher-esque going nowhere steps. This blog will be cut short because my daughter just snuck up on me while I was typing.....she just said she had a bad dream that she and I were in a car and a man on a road flagged us down. She said he was trying to hurt me and she couldn't stop him. :( So, I'm going to sit and dream-chat with her and hopefully both of us can try and have a good dream tonight if we can get to sleep.

Lucid Living

I am going to have to make this blog as personal as I'm willing to get on the internet because thoughts and emotions are relentlessly popping out of me. Those thoughts and emotions are landing dead on arrival in the air with soundwaves making a certain funeral for them. To my dismay I come to the understanding that sometimes people are just tired of my repetitious complaints and critiques on issues that I am in no way an expert. I can scarcely blame them. How many times must I hammer my nail to people who are by nature mellow and why would I seek to corrupt that serenity? Possibly because I have rarely felt a mellow of my own and I'm seething in jealously. In also accessing my downfalls and potholes it has become obvious that I have an unrealistic standard about people. Here I am thinking that people should let people just live and be themselves, and in my next thought I worry about all the dangers people present, how hardly a soul can be trusted, and that at any moment I could lose a loved one to some heartbreaking circumstance. The latter part of the sentence is one of the top concerns I've had my whole life through.

As a child I worried I'd lose my mother and had vivid nightmares all the way through my teen years that she would be murdered. In those nightmares I'd have to avenge her death by slaying (in martial arts fashion) her killer. After my teen years those nightmares were replaced by daymares, but this time it was about my child being in harm's way. This probably came to fruition because of all that sad and sick 24 hour news I was watching that got my mind reeling in horror each time a little kid got kidnapped or went missing. In each face I saw on the news I saw the potential for that to happen to my own child as well. This fear ate at me and it still eats at me.

There was a 'me' before motherhood and there still is, but if there were no 'her' anymore...well then I just don't think I'd ever want to be 'me' again. There was an immediate connection to my girl as she grew herself strong and she would give me intense deja-voo that grew in vibrance as my belly grew, peeks into places I'd never been, houses that had people I'd never before seen...that sort of stuff. It would be so perplexing sometimes that I would want those flashes of imagery in my mind to go away. Sometimes I wondered if my baby was too good of a soul to have a young and dumb thing like me for a mother, if she was smarter than me already...if I was capable of keeping a strong-willed person like her safe.

Now my girl is bigger and we talk mom and girl-talk. Yesterday, I was having a day that should have resulted in feelings of accomplishment, but I let one nay-sayer get to me and I let that person's pessimism eat my self-confidence up. My child and I began to talk, and as usual she notices if I am 'off'. I told her that it is hard sometimes in life when you know you have great intentions and are doing your very best and it still isn't accepted. I said "I don't know about people, they are good and still I can't connect and get through. Sometimes people are hard. Do you have it hard with people too?" She said "Yes. I feel like an animal in a cage, but I want to be free. I don't think people like me." That is her truth, that she connects more and associates to animals more than people. She likes their untamed spirit, unconditional love without regard toward hair-styles, clothing, and being in the in-crowd.

We talked more and I tried to reassure her that people not only like her, but that they love her. "Oh how people love you baby. I love you so much that I shake with worry anytime I am not near you to protect you. And your whole family loves you, and you have some friends who like you so much. And there will be even more people who will love you in your life. And sadly, every person who lives probably has a few people that don't like them, and it hurts when people don't like us. It hurts too when we don't know why people don't like us. Most of the time we don't know why. But, you have to hope for the best for those who don't like you and then vow not to spend precious time in your life worrying about how to get them to like you and move on to new people. "

And with the advice I gave her came advice I should have had drilled into me since the day I was born. It was absolutely painful to be so sensitive that I would cry over sarcasm that was supposed to be meant in jest. It wasn't until I was an adult that I learned to take sarcasm and to even use sarcasm. I never liked it and still don't love it but just accepted that we live in sarcastic punch-line times. We have to learn to be a punch-line sometimes and not be so serious. I have done enough rotten things, senseless things, and idiotic things that I fully deserve to be the joke sometimes. But, I'm trying so hard and have gone against my own grain in the name of becoming a nicer and better person and it feels like I can never live down my past and that I can never live up to the notion of a better me.

I want to be liked, want to know what I've done to people to cause ill-feelings, want to make emotional restitutions, and want to be given a fair shake at being taken seriously. I don't want the sins of the mother to become the sins of her daughter, don't want my overblown fears and opinions to be her realities and her fate.

What people need to know about me is that I love my girl, my husband, my family, and that I love the world. It is true that I live in America, but I consider my true home to be Earth. My flag has the planet on it. So that means my circle of neighbors and brethren is expanded far past North America. It reaches into even 'enemy' territory too. I want good for all people and want everyone's kid's to be fed and protected and loved. It is important to me that we try to govern ourselves with love and remain open to learning one little or big new thing each day. People need to also know that I am prone to immature bouts of over-generalizations and rants when I am hurt about some new atrocity that has happened. I'm not exactly that person who maintains a journalistic perspective when finding out that yet another underdog was beaten down. I don't think I can find that chilly rationality on heartbreaking matters, and my reactions often times make me appear to be some vigilante of sorts...but we will leave that to "Dexter". People should know that I'm not much of a joy to be around these days because my naivette has been replaced with embittered tones of reality, but that once in awhile in the right light I can still laugh at a corny commercial and admit that the Olympics are interesting enough to keeo me watching women's curling even though I'm not a jock.

Basically we all have these components and it is a shockingly sugary feeling! All that time I had convinced myself that I was a no good, weird, misplaced, awkward, schmuckette...come to find out, that is fairly normal for most people. And that means that I don't have to make my anthem "I'm just a misfit" from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer anymore. It seemed to me that I would just have to go on and splurge into bizarreness, because why half-ass your own self-assumptions, just go all out! But, I don't need to wave the freak-flag, don't need the blue hair, the sad-artist portrait. I just need to be alive and I need to let my girl in on this new realization of oneness and sameness before she ostrizes herself from the world that I know will welcome her into it with the same busy buzzing that it welcomes everyone with.

Thank you sweet and kind fellow human being for the reading eyes and attentive mind. I appreciate this electronic connection..........:)

Oh that Gatsby!

Gatsby has a man who purchases all his clothes, sends over a selection at the beginning of each season. Daisy cries because "She has never seen such beautiful shirts before". And that is when they knew in the mess of pastel menswear that they had a connection. That and he kept a stalker scrapbook of her. That appealed to her small girl hopes of being noticed and revered.

Sacred Trade Secrets

Sacred Trade Secrets
By: Amanda Mann

I hear this all the time: "How can I be more like you?"
I also hear this all the time: "You are a dork", or "You are one weird chick!"

Based on the final analysis of these two statements it is safe to make the calculation that more people want to be themselves but don't know how (and by themselves I mean that they want to be dorks too).

I thought it only fair to share my path of success with the cooler but more sealed up people in the world. Dying to know how I got my woozy swagger? Of course you are, but I've got to keep some things under wraps so we don't risk global cloning.

Now let us get down to it. Gnit and Grit. Extra Butter.

1. Only do what is 'expected of you' if it's something you want to be expected to do all the time. Example: If you don't always want to be the one to do the dishes, then don't EVER do them. Not even once. People may get fussy, but just let them. Then the one time years down the road that you decide to do them it will knock the socks off of everyone and you will be given kudos for it. This one is a pretty key item for the inventory.

2. Brag. But brag only about your weaknesses. You will have everyone eating your Humble Pie. And don't talk about the weaknesses like they hinder you. Speak of them like they are your crown jewels, inform people about how glorious it is to be in your position. And make it funny so people don't want to throw rocks at you and castrate you from society.

3. You know that phrase "Sing like no one is listening" or was it "Dance like no one is watching"? Not true. Don't do that. Nobody tries very hard to dance when they are by themselves, and nobody sings a whole song when they are by themselves. They sing only the parts of the songs they know and hum the rest. And they dance like Carlton when no one is watching. So...........Dance like you are paying for college with those flying dollar bills and sing like you've got the whole world in your hands and in a stadium watching you. Pressure makes people better, not worse. And if people say you suck, dare someone else to do it better than you. If they don't accept the dare, then you know they suck more.

4. Capitalize on the dork market of the 90's and Early 2000's when being underground and awesome meant being fashionably unaware, painfully awkward and drawn to all things outside the box. Basically this means: Do what you like, like whatever you want to like, and pick a few things not to like (has to be unique though, not 'I hate spiders'....mine is 'I hate decapitation' and 'I don't really like milk'...yours could be 'I am afraid whenever I see plaid pants'....getting the hang of it?

5. We all do questionable things in life. If someone questions you on said questionable choice, do not tell them they were right, be stubborn as a mule and tell them "Hey, it worked out for me" or "I think it is fine like this" (If you put your desk together upside down, make it work for you and show no signs of misery over it.) This adds to the mysterious quality people will begin to see in you. Tell people the mistakes were on purpose. Nobody idolizes an idiot, but people do idolize people who are innovative.

Well, that's all I'm willing to divulge right now. Have fun.

the little mind

the little mind

Here are today's random thoughts...

Fresh Water:
Why does water taste better out of the bathroom faucet? It tastes more fresh, more cold, and that's not right!!!! The kitchen water should taste better, but it just doesn't hold a candle.

Graceful Science:
The human body is amazing. All the sensations it can experience, all the mysteries of our bodies that are attuned to the universal heart...the way bodies send off radar in the form of hormonal/ pheromonal output is awesome, people each have their own unique scent. You can have five women all using the same perfume, yet it smells differently on each of them. (same with men, but with cologne of course!)...this is the delicate natural science part that is the most beautiful. The way eye colors change depending on mood or color of clothing. I had blue eyes till I was about 12 or so, then boom! Green eyes. When I cry they look somewhat turqouise, and people have even thought my eyes were brown before. I enjoy looking into the eyes of people. You can find so much there.

Unfortunately there are other things about the human body that aren't too pleasant, but they are necessary. "Bathroom" related stuff isn't part of the beautiful side for me, but there can be (if attempted) a graceful science to it all. To be graceful in these matters a person needs to understand and respect those who are around them. Remember that there are others in the same room before you let the gas out. Remember that pushing that hard, can give you hemroids, make you come across like an ogre-brute, and none of that is attractive. Even if some people think it is funny, it isn't Hot! And also spare the period-talk/ birthing stories for times when it's just the girls and when no one is eating.
This makes guys feel so weird and grossed out too. I was joking around the other day with the guys and really grossing them out about period atrocities (good thing I was just kidding), but even so it was really gross to them. So guys and gals, please have a mutual respect on this issue, Guys: Don't do the "covered wagon" to your lady, and Ladies don't "cover them with the bloody details" or force them to watch you give birth to their child. My friend and I have talked about this before, and after they see the birthing process, I'm not sure that they ever see your triangle of love the same way again.
And couples: don't dump together!!!! Yuck.

Clutter Control:
Each month I literally give about two black garbage bags full of stuff away to the Goodwill. What happens then? I keep finding more stuff that doesn't fit into my life anymore and out with it again. I'd like to get rid of most of my clothes and keep only 14 shirts, 7 pants, and three jackets. I'm tired of all the clothes, most of them I don't wear because they aren't my style. I want to free up my life, be the kind of girl who could move in a matter of hours, not days.

Societal Norms:
Society is fabulous, provides a place to belong and contribute. But alas, there are all types of societies, so when people say "Fuck Society" it is best to ask that person "Which Society are you referring to?"....Because I say Fuck Conventional Society. I say screw people telling me how I need to construct and arrange my day, and giving me a timeline to live by. I can follow rules and laws, respect people, and hold a job. That isn't a problem. It becomes a problem when strangers belonging to the same society give you a free ticket to a guilt trip they are hosting in your honor. Spare me the judgements about how I run the private parts of my life. In the words of Modest Mouse, 'Opinions are like kittens, always giving them away'....

I don't know if I want the American Dream or not... I've thought about it, but it doesn't feel right. It isn't my dream. I don't want to say no to living and doing things because I've got my leg shackled to a box (house) of shit that I still have the rest of my life to pay off. I don't want to become old and say "I wish I could've gone there, but there just wasn't enough time or money or motivation". I could be happy just being with the people I love, enjoying the simplicity of the days stretched out with joy, learning to love the seasons again, living passionately and without apologizing for who I am and what I want. It is far easier to write these things out, but to jump across the bridge and find your opportunity waiting for you with open arms is a far more difficult of a task.

People act like this life is just for practice and they act like they were just forced upon the earth without any purpose. Everybody matters to someone, some purpose, some thought. Have as much fun as possible and learn as much as possible on your way to finding out where your niche is. And believe me, you know without a doubt when you find your purpose. It feels huge, warm, bright, all encompassing. It changes everything for you and shapes you in ways you never could have imagined. Purpose doesn't subtly creep up on someone unnoticed and without impact, if you are getting that feeling from your "purpose", then it isn't really your purpose (it is special maybe, important in it's own way, but not your purpose.)