Sacred Trade Secrets

Sacred Trade Secrets
By: Amanda Mann

I hear this all the time: "How can I be more like you?"
I also hear this all the time: "You are a dork", or "You are one weird chick!"

Based on the final analysis of these two statements it is safe to make the calculation that more people want to be themselves but don't know how (and by themselves I mean that they want to be dorks too).

I thought it only fair to share my path of success with the cooler but more sealed up people in the world. Dying to know how I got my woozy swagger? Of course you are, but I've got to keep some things under wraps so we don't risk global cloning.

Now let us get down to it. Gnit and Grit. Extra Butter.

1. Only do what is 'expected of you' if it's something you want to be expected to do all the time. Example: If you don't always want to be the one to do the dishes, then don't EVER do them. Not even once. People may get fussy, but just let them. Then the one time years down the road that you decide to do them it will knock the socks off of everyone and you will be given kudos for it. This one is a pretty key item for the inventory.

2. Brag. But brag only about your weaknesses. You will have everyone eating your Humble Pie. And don't talk about the weaknesses like they hinder you. Speak of them like they are your crown jewels, inform people about how glorious it is to be in your position. And make it funny so people don't want to throw rocks at you and castrate you from society.

3. You know that phrase "Sing like no one is listening" or was it "Dance like no one is watching"? Not true. Don't do that. Nobody tries very hard to dance when they are by themselves, and nobody sings a whole song when they are by themselves. They sing only the parts of the songs they know and hum the rest. And they dance like Carlton when no one is watching. So...........Dance like you are paying for college with those flying dollar bills and sing like you've got the whole world in your hands and in a stadium watching you. Pressure makes people better, not worse. And if people say you suck, dare someone else to do it better than you. If they don't accept the dare, then you know they suck more.

4. Capitalize on the dork market of the 90's and Early 2000's when being underground and awesome meant being fashionably unaware, painfully awkward and drawn to all things outside the box. Basically this means: Do what you like, like whatever you want to like, and pick a few things not to like (has to be unique though, not 'I hate spiders'....mine is 'I hate decapitation' and 'I don't really like milk'...yours could be 'I am afraid whenever I see plaid pants'....getting the hang of it?

5. We all do questionable things in life. If someone questions you on said questionable choice, do not tell them they were right, be stubborn as a mule and tell them "Hey, it worked out for me" or "I think it is fine like this" (If you put your desk together upside down, make it work for you and show no signs of misery over it.) This adds to the mysterious quality people will begin to see in you. Tell people the mistakes were on purpose. Nobody idolizes an idiot, but people do idolize people who are innovative.

Well, that's all I'm willing to divulge right now. Have fun.